The Baboon's Left Testicle (Part One of Two)

ABOUT Gary McArthur

Gary McArthur
I do not purport to be a writer. My day job is advising businesses in the North East of England. I co-wrote a book of pure, unadulterated lewdness alongside my long time friend Andrew Baker in 2008 as a challenge to ourselves. I live in Middlesbrough - which might account for the inanity o More...



What is there against a Baboon's Left Testicle? And before you all scream "The right one of course!" I feel duty bound to inform you that, in this case, you would be mistaken, for our baboon has suffered a most intimate and injurious injustice - his right testicle has been wrenched from its furry pouch by a person, or persons, unknown in order to fulfil a long-held prophesy and set afoot plans for world domination. And herein lies the confusion in our tale - does the offending scrotal-raider have the right one for the job or is it the wrong one, being the right one? Set alongside this an unlikely group of misfits - including some completely oblivious newly-weds, a 200 year old, dead, gay, unidextrous pie maker and his curious short-arsed lover by the name of Gerard O'nad, a murderous army of Welsh zombies and an all-stitching, all-dancing counter-army of equally murderous Pearly Kings and Queens and you have an almighty pile of baboon excrement - but an equally almighty 'bloody good read!

The book was written as a personal challenge by the authors. The story is very loosely based around the legend of The Hartlepool Monkey (Google it!) and concerns the darkly entertaining pursuit of a magical 'orb' that has powers to save the world from evil domination. It is lewd, juvenile and downright perverse in parts, but we believe it to be a work of pure genius. Well, we would say that wouldn't we?

"Pacy, innovative and very self-aware humour. Spike Milligan would be proud."

"This is a good read ...a quilt of eccentric disreputable notions."

"This is astoundingly original, and like a breath of fresh air. I never knew where it was going to take me next. This one pulls out all the stops. It's surreal, for sure, but in a kind of grounded way. Just when we think it can't get any more mad ... well, it can."

"How weird. But fun too. Love the Smiths, sorry the Snaiths, think they may be neighbors of mine! This is a crazy yarn for mad adults. A winner."

"You have me in stitches!! This is so... British? Hilarious, anyway. You're sick, and I love it!"

"Roaringly funny, if that's a word!!"  

"Your first chapter proves as delightful as your title. It's loads of fun with a cracking pace. Top stuff."

"Lots of fun! The pace is great, the characters are alive. I really enjoyed it."

"You guys are hilarious. Being an experienced reader, a quasi-experienced writer, but a crap book critic, I can't dissect it, analyze it, or feed it back to you in little bite sized chunks on a cracker. It's really funny in a brilliant way I am not genius enough to explain back to you."

"Juvenile and lewd said your pitch - well we cannot say we weren't warned can we? It's also great fun. I think for me the book came alive when the ape turned out to be German, that was the LOL point for me. A pretty outstanding read."

"It is all your fault that, at this time of night, I laughed so loudly that my baby son has just woke up."

"Oh my goodness. Shelved just for the sheer amount of laughing this has generated with me already. I dread to think where you get your ideas from. Loved it."

"Guys, the pitch is wonderful, the idea is extremely original. This is barmy enough to have a little place on my shelf, and I wish you the best of luck with it. "

"Gentlemen: This is fun - bizarre, but fun! I've laughed out loud while reading this and it's got some great ideas. Good to see short paragraphs - lots of writers get this wrong but yours were spot on. The story is very funny and engaging and Julia & David are believable."

"Can I just say that I'd have loved to have been in the pub when you worked this one out..."

"I usually ask people to swap reads but your title just stopped me in my tracks. I think you two must do some strange stuff-but I like it. Light-hearted and just what I need when I'm snowed in. I think this will be the first and only time I give 12/10 for originality. There must be a market for stuff like this-surely everyone (well every bloke) would pick this up in the airport lounge to see what it was about. Thanks for brightening my day"

"Now, this is the kind of shit I am looking for!"